How To Be The Perfect Human Being

Did you know there are 263,000,000 million results on Google on how to be the perfect human being? Yes! 263 Million! Do you also know how many perfect human beings exist in the world? ZERO! But those results in Google vary – some are about how to be the perfect human being, others about who is the perfect human being. You wouldn’t even need to Google such a topic to already have an idea of what the answers are…because from a very young age, without being exposed to the “ways of the world” -so to speak- we are already judging one another, forming bonds with those similar to us and alienating those that are different. And there’s no formula that umbrellas humanity, there are and will always be outliers – because you can’t contain humanity in to a specific mold. But, nonetheless, articles exist telling us how to be the perfect human being.

What I’ve discussed so far only covers what the web results are. Click over the images and the results are even more revealing.


How many women do you see? In just the first section that pops up on the screen? One. How diverse are the results? Not very.


According the web first page of the web results the perfect human being could be a Puerto Rican, genetically speaking; the images, though, don’t reflect that.

Don’t jump ahead. I’m not about to take off on the “white male” debate. So back the crazy train up.

Let’s move back to my initial point…how to be the perfect human being.

Here are the answers (according to Wikihow) and my opinion on them.

Want to follow along on YouTube? Click:Here

Don’t have time to read all this? Check out the video….

  1. Be Healthy On The Inside: This is pretty self explanatory. But there isn’t a diet or lifestyle in the world that could tell us how to achieve this. All those diets/fads…they’re just a collection of some health experts opinions and research of how to achieve their own version of healthy. But the honest truth – don’t stuff your face with sugary foods or sit on your butt all day. Boom! It’s that easy – at least for those of us that don’t have exceptional health issues, duh.
  2. Be Healthy On The Outside: What does this even really mean? To be thin and toned? Because even someone who appears tone and fit can be unhealthy. Does this mean that I have to sacrifice my love of pizza to achieve an impossible ideal of fitness? Pass.
  3. Take Care Of Your Skin: Well…clearly, because acne is fun…said no one ever. But there are hundreds of “regimens” to achieve this and trying them all to find your perfect regimen could take a life time. But what they all have in common: moderation. But even that can be interpreted as a vague rule because what’s excessive to one person is moderate to another. Moving on…
  4. Take Care Of Your Teeth: Okay, so this is the only one I have nothing sarcastic to say about. Because yellow/brown teeth are sexy, said no one ever. There’s also an anchor of health issues that can be caused by bad teeth alone.
  5. Have Good Hygiene: I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain! Why? Because this term is so subjective. Cultures vary so much on what this would even mean. Some would say American culture puts too much emphasis on this and Americans could say others may not put enough emphasis on this. Even then, the concept of good hygiene varies by subcultures and generations. Do what makes you feel good!
  6. Let Things Go, Forgive: “Let it GO! Let it Go!” Ah yes, the Disney song that we’ll never be able to forget. Sure, I could forgive but that doesn’t mean things are going to go back to the way things were before whatever it was I had to forgive. That ship sailed. Bye, Felicia.
  7. Have Nice Clothes: According to who?! I literally can’t with this one. Have we really not progressed past this one yet? Define nice. You can’t. How about…I’ll wear whatever the hell I want and you can get over it. (Insert debate about yoga pants here)
  8. Have Nice Hair and Make-Up: ::Leans back in chair and looks to the heavens for forgiveness for what I’m thinking about right now:: No. Stop. Don’t. Relaaax. If you wan’t to rock grungy hair, go for it. If you don’t want to wear make-up, then screw the people that think you look like a train wreck – if they want to spend an hour in front of the mirror agonizing over their face, then let them – but that doesn’t have to be you. And if you do want to do that, then do! Do what makes you feel good – cake it on. Put down the beauty magazines and go look in the mirror and repeat after me: You are f*@&!#^ beautiful!
  9. Excel In Academics, Or At Least Try Your Best: Okay, I can’t really argue with this one either. Knowledge has proven to be “power” (and not just the kind where you can be a boss but they kind where it can be self-empowering as well). It really does make us more aware and capable human beings. But how much you spend on obtaining that knowledge or where/how you choose to obtain it is completely subjective.
  10. Be A Good Friend: All I can say here is if someone isn’t being whatever your version of a good friend is, don’t be afraid to express yourself about it or say goodbye. Friendships should add value to each of those involved lives and if they don’t – then “let it go” and don’t try to force someone to be the type of person that would sacrifice their own happiness just to make you happy.
  11. Keep Your Values and Beliefs True: If you want to be a dirt bag, then you go right ahead and be a dirt bag. It might get lonely, but hey! Do you.
  12. Don’t Drink or Smoke: Drink what? Smoke what? We all know the side affects of smoking tobacco by now, if you still choose to do it then I’ll be right there at your funeral, silently saying “we told you so”. ::casually sips on vodka from the flask that was hiding in my purse:: (because drinking makes life more interesting) Just say no to peer pressure.
  13. Don’t Swear Too Much: Damn, guess I’m knee deep up shit creek on this on. Fuck it.
  14. Have Good Posture: Hey! The ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’ was a nice guy! Good posture, pfft, now you’ve really crossed the line Wiki.
  15. Have Other Interests, Be Polite, Be Eco-Friendly, Be A Humanitarian, Be Awake, Keep Up With The Kardashians Current Events, Don’t Base Your Life Around Technology, Respect Yourself, Keep Your Room Organized and Clean, Respect Your Parents and Elders. Ugh, being perfect is so exasperating! Who has the time for all of this?

Honestly, writing this has been both liberating and exhausting. I need a vacation and a shot of something strong. “Bartender!”


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